the bees are come.

around this time of year my life changes in a very particular way. that is, my irrational fear of bees forces me to make adjustments in my daily activities. for example, i must keep one hand on the automatic window controls at all times in order to prevent the little handmaidens of satan from flying into my car while i'm paused at a stop sign. this has happened a number of times before and every time resulted in total disaster. i've learned my lesson. if you'd care to hear any of those stories, i'd be happy to recount them for you. they're quite entertaining. also entertaining is the story of the time a wasp the size of brazil got into my bedroom and perched in between my window and my blinds and my dad had to DRIVE over to my apartment and kill it for me because i was literally paralyzed with fear. no. literally. i. could. not. move. if he hadn't come over, i'd probably still be sitting there on my bedroom floor watching it right now.

whenever people hear these kinds of stories about my irrational fear they always try to talk me out of it. people. don't bother. yes, i've been stung before. yes, i know it doesn't hurt that bad. i don't have a fear of getting stung by bees. i have a fear of the ACTUAL BEE. the fact that they can sting me is just the icing on the cake. (imagine something that you are afraid of... now give it a sword.) you see, it's an irrational fear. there is no reason i could give anyone that would explain it. i understand that it's ridiculous. i understand that giving something less than 1/1000 of my size this much power over my life is completely insane. but, all that is kind of built into the definition, no? the thing is. to me, bees might as well be the size of dinosaurs. when it comes to bees: size matters not. if given the choice between two doors. one of which had seventeen escaped convicts armed with machetes behind it. the other, one bee. i'd walk into the room with the machete-wielding escaped convicts in it every time. every. time. people. this is my life.

some have suggested i seek counseling for this. you know what they do to help people get over these kinds of fears? they put you in a room with whatever it is that you're afraid of. first, they put the thing in a cage across the room from you. then, they move the cage closer. then, they open the cage. then, they take the thing out of the cage. then, they put it on your hand. if you could feel my pulse while i just typed those last six sentences, you'd think i was having a heart attack.

so, it is now about 4:30pm. and i'm already starting to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the ascent up the stairs to my apartment. you see, bees like to hang out there. they just. chill. outside my apartment. not working. not performing any worthwhile functions. like they're waiting for me to invite them in for tea or something. dream on, bees. i try to be brave. sometimes i even give them little names. but those ba****ds can smell fear.

wish me luck.